The Holiday Season, Feeling by Feeling

Thoughts on the pendulum of emotions this time of year.

Greetings from somewhere over the snow-capped mountains, where I am up in my feelings. As I write this, I am en route back to Los Angeles from Washington, D.C., where I was fortunate enough to attend a White House holiday party this week. More to come on the beautiful, thoughtful decorations I had the chance to see.

Right now, I am experiencing a swirl of emotions, from unfettered joy to undeniable sadness, deep appreciation and lingering anxiety. The swing of the pendulum is on par for my holiday season thus far, especially in these last few days of crunch-time magic making. A few more thoughts below.

How are you feeling this holiday season — or right this moment? Click below to share in the comments.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to join the SMT community here on Substack. The comments and conversation we have had this year has meant so much.

✨ Stay tuned!

A full recap of this year’s White House holiday decorations — with gorgeous pictures by Jarrard Cole — is coming soon. It was such a privilege to get to see them in person, I cannot wait to share with you. ICYMI, click below for a look from last year:

Inside the White House for the Holidays

So Many Holiday Feelings

The swirl of the season!

A sentiment in a Reel served up to me during a recent Instagram scrolling session has really stuck. It was a video of a woman reflecting on what time of day people are at their best. (Alas, I did not save it or I would link it.) There are morning people or night owls, she said. The punchline was she felt like more of a 2:30pm to 2:35pm kind of person.

I chuckled and kept scrolling, but the thought lingered because it felt so accurate right now. Every time I have been asked this holiday season: “How are you?” what I really want to say is: “Do you mean: ‘How am I right this minute?’” Because if you ask me how I am when we are at the beach in pajamas, racing around during sunset during one of our family’s favorite Los Angeles Christmas traditions, I have never been happier! If the query came an hour earlier, when we were trying to get out the door, or several hours later, when I was vacuuming up sand and scrambling to do laundry, I would have said…something completely different.

This holiday season, I am taking it minute by minute. There is always so much to do in such a short time but the calendar is even more compressed this year, thanks to a later Thanksgiving and an earlier school break. Christmas feels more complicated, too, for our trio of children. At ages 5, 7 and 9, we are decidedly out of the toddler stage. But they are still holiday-loving kids (and relatively little ones at that). It places us in that precarious place where the skepticism is growing but so are the expectations. The wish lists are more elaborate, the questions more pointed, the attachment to traditions — and the need to keep them going — stronger.

Bird drawing Santa, based off of last year’s visit.

And then there are the feelings. So many feelings! All around. I see it in their little eyes, dancing one moment and filled with despair the next. It’s all heightened by less sleep, more sugar, and too many moments of overstimulation.

I struggle, too. Christmas in Los Angeles looks dramatically different than my chilly Midwestern childhood. It all feels a bit off? It makes it easier to give in to exasperation or exhaustion, along with that special existential form of anxiety I am prone to — worrying about everything from the election results to school shootings and the passage of time. To flip the script, my perfectionist tendencies go into overdrive. All will be fine if I can, for example, find the ideal Christmas tree — even if that means dragging my family to multiple stands. To be sure, such a thing does not exist. The quest is objectively a lot for all of us. And yet, my mind tells me all of Christmas will be better if we just look hard enough….

Sorry, Matt. 😬

Emotions were high again this week on my trip to Washington, D.C. to visit the White House. It was such an honor to get invited to one of the holiday parties, to say hello to First Lady Jill Biden, to hear President Joe Biden speak, and see the stunning decorations in person. Last year, it was one of my favorite nights of the entire holiday season. This year, it was bittersweet; indescribably festive and loads of fun, yes, but also a farewell of sorts.

A moment to reflect on the way out.

One thing I have learned to do when a wave of emotion takes over is to name my feelings as they hit. I don’t try to change it, or solve whatever is causing it. Just simply observe what is happening. I pause and say to myself: I am feeling [fill in the blank]. The “why” usually follows quickly. But again, I don’t try to do anything but recognize it. If the feeling is particularly strong, I put my hand over my heart, as if to honor it. And then I return to whatever it is I need to do next — because there is always more to do this time of year. (Some emotions require a lot more time to process, which I advocate for wholeheartedly. But this trick works for the myriad of feelings that pop up throughout my days.)

The key — and this is important — is to do this in hard times and wonderful ones. Practicing this reminds me that all sorts of feelings come and go with more frequency than I realize. The exercise is probably most needed with the former, helping to diffuse the negativity or intensity of whatever I am feeling and move through it. To be sure, it does not take the feeling away, but it lessens the grip it has on me in that moment. But with the latter, it heightens it. Isn’t that beautiful? Saying how I feel (grateful, happy, loved) makes that sentiment grow bigger and last longer. I find myself often literally exhaling, taking note of where I am and feeling more present.

The way we were both so excited about Oliver’s star.

A few examples of late:

🎄 I was so frustrated by my own perfectionist tendencies while hunting for a Christmas tree. Then, I grew even more so when the beautiful tree we found — and she is lovely — looked a bit small in our home. As we were decorating, we ran out of space for our ornaments. The solution? A second tree, which became a chore to find on its own. Exasperated (again, with myself), I selected a squat little one from the front of the lot and told the kids it was all theirs. They were thrilled, which thrilled me, too. They excitedly decorated it all by themselves, which gave me space to fiddle with the other one. My favorite part is the star Oliver made for the top, with a smiley face he added. Both trees bring me such joy.

🇺🇸 My heart leapt when the invitation to a holiday party at the White House landed in my inbox. Working with First Lady Jill Biden’s team has been such a privilege, their support of me as an independent writer means so much. I am immensely grateful and also so very sad that this working relationship was coming to a close. (Related: Matt being invited but not being able to join me was disappointing; our busy lives, with limited childcare, feel stretched quite thin right now. But him sending me a photo in “bring your grown-up to dance class” with Bird was so heartening.)

🎅🏻 Not going to lie, I was devastated after a flurry of Santa-skeptical questions over breakfast one morning. It was a harsh reminder that my kids are getting older and this stage of magic-making is finite. After I dropped them at school, I cried to both my sisters on the phone. The morning before my DC trip, we went to see Santa at the mall. I was so nervous about how it would all go down. At the first sight of the big guy, all three of them grew quiet, their eyes dancing. When it was our turn, their sweet smiles delighted me. I cried again, this time happy tears (apologies to the sweet plaid-vested man printing out our pictures).

Sweet suit-clad Fitz, waiting his turn to say hello to Santa.

This time of year, feelings can change so quickly. At the two-hour White House holiday party, I felt a swirl of ever-changing emotions. There was the awe of walking in underneath the giant gold star, the wonder of the garland-filled hallway, the rush of grabbing a chilled glass of champagne. I teared up a bit at the chance to say thank you to the First Lady in the Diplomatic Reception Room and laughed at the jokes President Joe Biden made during his remarks in the East Room.

eholmes

A post shared by @eholmes

Through it all, however, was the worry of what comes next. It feels like a lot is about to change — how will that feel? The street in front of the White House was already barricaded off as inaugural preparations are underway. I got weepy on my pre-dawn ride to the airport when I passed the Washington Monument, unsure of what the future holds.

As I hit send on this newsletter, I am back home — and back IN IT. We baked Christmas cookies last night then decorated them. The kids made a fantastic mess. Sprinkles everywhere! This used to frustrate me gloriously. Now I find it incredibly sweet. Feelings can change, too.